“Here we go again” I told myself while I was walking through the mall. I dont know how do you call it, instinct or gut feeling that hit me on the right spot. It hit me so hard I was close to tears. I held it in not to let it out. I held it in but eventually I’ll need to vent it out. You’re the one I used to vent out everything to now you’re the one I’m venting about. I am now asking myself why. Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? I tried so hard to keep it from falling apart, I tried so hard not let it end up like my past. Well call it fate or a curse of loving someone too much that eventually they’ll leave you hanging. That was my curse, that made me feel happy and in pain at the same time. I fall I love I break I stand up and fall again. It was a cycle, and everything I did to prevent it only made it worse. Maybe it’s fate way of telling me, “Stop it you’ve done enough its not worth it anymore” but as the stubborn girl as I am I wouldnt listen and continue to pursue something I know I will never have.
The past days werent so great. I should have learned from my past. I should’ve known that the first time I felt it, it was over. I now blame myself for thinking you were different. I now blame myself for expecting so much more. I knew from the start I never had you and I’ll never have you that eventually I’ll get replaced. The past few months you’ve done things you told me you wouldnt do. The past few weeks proved to me that all those long messages went to waste. That all my late-night thoughts of you werent even worth it. The past few days proved to me I will never be enough for you.
To be honest it might sound like I regret meeting you, but surprisingly I dont. I’m not one of those who dont appreciate everyone who come to their life. I am different, but I guess you didnt see me that way. I dont regret meeting you and letting you into my life. Yes you’ll eventually leave me indelible scars that will be reminders of the pain you are leaving me. And yes you’ll leave me with the golden promises and memories to forever cherish. And you’ll leave me with another broken heart and a thousand lessons that come with it.
Everyone you lose is a loss nevertheless. Agree or not its true, but not everything you lose will forever be a loss. You’ll find something better along the way. Maybe I’ll find someone better as I always say. Maybe you just came to be the bandaid to heal my past scars, or the glue to put my broken heart back to one piece. Nevertheless, I’d want you to know that I love you and maybe in a few months this wont matter to you but to me it will forever will.
Thank you for helping me get through my darkest days. Thank you for trying to be there for me. Thank you is all I can say right now. I hope you’ll find someone better. I’m not letting you go nor giving up I dont what you call it but I just want some peace of mind that I have been longing for quite some time. I thought I’ll find it in you sadly I didnt.
I’d leave you with this, you told me once that some things fall apart just to fall back together, but what if right now while we’re falling apart, when we fall back it wont be with each other?