What does happy look like? How do you know when its the look of happy? Have you ever encountered what happy looks like? What does happy truly look like?
At age 1, what happy looks like was seeing my mom for the first time. happy was in the form of my first tooth, my first full meal or my first time to walk. Happy looked like my 1st birthday. It was all about the time when I was an only child. It was all about me. What happy looks like, was the time when everything didnt seem so complicated.
At age 5 , what happy looked like was going to school for the very first time. Learning the alphabet, addition and other simple math. It was getting to know people your age, earning friends and losing some just because you wouldnt share your food. It also looked like when I enrolled into ballet class. It was exploring what you can do at a young age, discovering talents and mischiefs. Playdates and parties here and there, Happy looked like seeing your mom conceive your baby sister. It was counting down 9 months before you could finally have a playmate. It was seeing your baby sister for the first time and realizing you wouldnt be so alone after all.
At age 7, happy looks like seeing your family together. It was eating Noche Buena together during Christmas. What happy looked like was getting gifts from every single family member. it also looked like seeing my grandfather still breathing and fighting the Big C. Happy looked like celebrating your birthday with a cake and a gift from my grandfather. Happy looked like was seeing my grandfather for the last time. It was not seeing him breathe his last, it was seeing him breathing his last happily, letting go slowly. What Happy looked like was finally seeing someone who has been holding on for too long on pain and has now let go.
At age 9, happy looked like was seeing my baby brother being born. the one who will complete our big, happy family. It was getting into the Honors class after years of trying to excel. What happy looked like was being able to keep up with others’ achievements. It was being able to make friends who’s got your back and meeting people you never knew you will call friend. It was seeing your parents work hard to suffice your needs and wants without letting you feel that something is wrong. It took great courage and hardwork for my parents to let me live comfortably despite the problems.
At ages 12-13 What happy looked like was acing every test and finals. It was getting hit by puberty and being pretty. What happy looked like was starting to be a teen with all the liberty and experiences that come with it. It was graduating with honors. And it was entering high school with high hopes of surviving and excelling. It was with high hopes that I entered high school, believing I’d be somebody. It was with high hopes I believed that it would be the best years of my life.
At 14 , What happy looked like was gaining friends here and there. It was getting to know more people and getting known by more people. It was channeling your interpersonal skills and climbing your way up the social hierarchy. What happy looked like was knowing who your true friends are. What happy looked like was when I’m with you. Time didnt quite go by whenever I was with the person I called happy. It was just right. Everything was going well but then the person I once depended my happiness on had to leave with no reply. It was hard at first seeing your happiness leave without a trace. It broke me into thousands of pieces and I believed I wouldnt be able to put back together. But slowly I tried rebuilding, picking up the broken pieces one by one, putting them back together and cut by the sharp points but in the end I succeeded. In its process I met one who gave me the same assurance that they will stay. I met one who helped me put back the shattered pieces. I met one who would love me as I should have been loved and would never let me go, well I thought so.
At 15, what happy looked like was you no one else but your smile. Well this time its a different ONE. The one which happy looked like, had a smile that would brighten up my day, eyes where I see hope and hands that held me and made me feel safe. The one that I have made me feel that I mattered and that I didn’t just take up space. Made me feel that they were worth fighting for. The one that made me forget the past that shattered me. The one that accepted me when I was broken and fixed me, and loved me more now that I am back in one piece. What happy looked like at fifteen wasn’t just plain happiness, it was true happiness well that I thought so. Not until the true happiness I once knew, changed. Change is the only constant thing in the world but maybe I got caught up with constancy that I forgot people has its inconsistency. With change I lost the true happiness I once knew. But did I really knew what true happiness was? Was true happiness with you? Or did I just mistaken a gem for a diamond? Maybe its you, maybe someone else. But still there was a time that true happiness looked like you and with no regrets I’ll say that I loved you.
At the moment, what happy looks like is now a blur. I have many images on what may look like right now but I will never really know what. Maybe because you were what happy looked like and now that you’re gone I will never really know it. I’m not losing hope in finding what happy looks like once again. I will not lose hope in finding what happy truly looks like.
I always thought what happy looked like was whenever I’m with you but slowly I realized what happy looked like was when I lost you.