Doughnut Hole

“I know what we are – and I know what we are not.”

  • Lang Leav


Friends or more than friends. Lovers? Best friends? No one really answered. Because even you, you didn’t know what to say. You’d say its complicated but no one would understand only the two of you. It was something not there. More like a doughnut hole, it serves a purpose by not being there. It was something not all can understand. No one really knew what it was. No one even knew it existed. Well it did, maybe. It started not at first sight. It was in the process of getting to know each other when you realize hey it might just work. But it was weird, there was no spark. There weren’t any fireworks or signs pointing to you. It was in between knowing you as a person and knowing if you were made to stay. Maybe it was a phase or just a misunderstanding. Maybe it was a mistake or a lesson. Its the silver lining in the midst of pessimism. It was a math problem no one could figure out. There were extraneous solutions but a real solution never fit. It was not knowing what you truly are.It was drowning in thoughts of you and smiling like an idiot every time. It was getting lost in the places you know by heart. It was.

That’s the beauty of not knowing what you really are. There’s this thrill and an abundance of butterflies in your stomach, there’s no routine of having to do this and that. You both don’t really lose anything. Yes someone along the way will or may get hurt but the world around you won’t end and your heart won’t shatter into pieces. There are no labels no strings attached and no commitments. You can just get up and leave anytime. There’s no need for closure because there’s really nothing. Maybe at some point there was something but no more than it. Not knowing what you really are was liberating. It’s sleeping not needing to worry if the next day that person will still be by your side. It’s not worrying about anything. It was something carefree and exhilarating. There’s something new every time. It was friendship that offered so much more but less than what a relationship really has. If it was love, its love that’s twisted but fulfilling. If it wasn’t, well it was worth the ride. It was something you can’t remember to forget. It was complicated but great. There was something but nothing. It was more than and less than at the same time. It wasn’t in the middle. It existed and didn’t at the same time. In a perfect world maybe it could’ve lasted, in a perfect world maybe it could’ve been something. But there are no regrets, it was worth it I guess.

But you know what hurts? It hurts loving people from a distance, and not knowing what you truly have. It hurts wanting something you can’t have. It hurts because you’re not in the place to call them “mine”. You can’t have them all to yourself. It hurts not knowing what you really are. They can just leave you hanging. They can just leave you clueless. And you also can walk away like nothing happened. It hurts because there was never an us, only a you and me. There was never a you and I forever. There will never be one. It hurts because it just did. The bare thoughts of what could have been if it was something more. It hurts because it had to end, but to start with there was nothing. It hurts because everything you had will just go with the wind. The last goodbye, the last hello, the last I love you will have you replaying those moments again and again until it doesn’t hurt anymore. It hurts not knowing what you’re fighting for and that one day when you fall there’s no assurance that they’ll catch you. It will hurt, I tell you.

But the true beauty is the essence of love, feeling happy and falling slowly but surely. The true beauty that is, a silver lining in the midst of pessimism. And what truly hurts is the cold and merciless truth that I loved you, every wound bled for you and every scar marked with the pain you caused. The smile that once lightened up my face now gone. What truly hurts is that I just realized it now, when I’ve lost you. Is it even considered a heartbreak when for you it was nothing but for me it was everything. I just realized it when the countless times I told you I loved you, meant losing its meaning. But I did, and I still do and I will do till the end of time, love you until it hurts, love you until I will realize what we really were. That’s the true beauty of it all. The true beauty lies within the spaces, I l o v e d y o u .

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