People are given to us on loan, that’s the truth that hurts. You never can really own someone even the people you love. I knew this all along, but I only realized it now. There is no forever, I suppose. People have expiration dates. People have limited stay. And people serves purposes in our lives even if they arrive on the time we thought we never needed somebody and leaves when we realize we need them. It seems unfair that way. People leaving when we realize they’re worth. But that’s life, we will never truly know what we have till it becomes what we had. But then again we have a choice, it’s on you to decide if you want to anticipate what happens next. Save yourself the misery right? Choose between letting go and holding on.
It is when choosing between letting go or holding on that I have come to my senses. Should I save myself the misery and start now. Forget about you whatever it is I’m holding on to. Save myself from hurting once again. Save myself the burden of the endless cycle of getting hurt, accepting, moving on and again. Save myself from losing people. Save myself from losing you. And then what if, I never really had you in the first place. You can’t let go what’s never yours right? What is it to let go when all along you were holding on to mere memories not a person? What is it to let go when all along I fooled myself into thinking I needed you? What is it to let go of when you never really had it? What is it to let go of when there was really none at all? And I ask this questions again and again. What is it that I should let go of?
Was it the memories shared? Was it feeling happy and carefree whenever I was with you? Was it the tears shed and laughter shared? Was it the feelings I invested? Were it the efforts I exerted? Was it the assurance of you staying and never letting me go? Was it your smile that never failed to brighten up my day? Was it the lessons I learned? Was it you that I thought I had that I should let go of? Or was it what I thought we had that I should let go of?
And the questions in my head pile up as the days go by. Everyday I ask myself more and more questions and never really get the answers. Maybe there are answers I just can’t find it, maybe there are answers it’s just that I can’t accept it. Maybe there are answers somewhere locked away even I don’t know where to find them.
But the thing is you are the only answer but soon you’ll just be another question I’ll ask myself, “What happened?”
I loved you that’s what happened. I borrowed a person I thought I had. I loved you and I got hurt. I assumed you to be mine and I got hurt. I got hurt and now I’m scarred. And these scars will forever be reminders of the lessons I have learned. I loved and I got hurt. Every time I will see these scars it will remind me of you. And in every scar is beautiful nightmare we once were. In every scar is the remnants of someone borrowed. In every scar, I see you and a sharp pain is felt once again.
What happened, was that I chose to let go. I can’t bear see what it is I thought we had go down in flames. I couldn’t bear the thought of my world breaking apart once again. I couldn’t bear the truth that I will lose you, slowly but surely. Losing you slowly but surely is suicide. It felt like opening every scar once again and a sharp, piercing pain seeping through it. Losing you slowly, was letting myself bleed until I felt numb and empty. I wouldn’t want that. I can’t keep on killing myself to save someone else. I love you but I love myself more. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have loved you this much right? In these times I needed to save myself first. For once, I had to think about me.
What will happen, I suppose. I might find someone new. I might. I might forget about you. I might. I might still love you. I might. I might run after you. I might. I might regret letting you go. I might. I might find myself. I might. I may have lost you. I lost you. But I will find someone new.
What will happen?
I will find someone new but no one can ever replace you.