I was never fond of goodbyes. And I am terrible with it. Much as I never learned the art of saying goodbye despite all the other goodbyes I have said before. Then I encountered one special goodbye that led me to learning the art of it.
A casual Tuesday night, I was infront of my laptop typing and running after multiple deadlines I had that week when I encountered a familiar greeting in my inbox. It was a familiar greeting that came with a much different feeling. That’s when I felt I needed to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
I opened the message and thought it would be just nothing, but the next few messages were about to change everything.
“I just missed you.”
“Really? Tell me what’s up”
“See you Saturday.”
“What if I told you I was going somewhere?”
Needless to say anything because the message seeped through the spaces telling everything. You were leaving and I had to deal with it. You were leaving and I cant do anything about it. You are leaving and I have to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
“I’ll just tell you next time, I’m not yet ready.”
“I think I know what it is.”
I ran to my room in tears. I suddenly forgot about the multiple deadlines I was running after because all I could think about was running after you. I thought that I can run after you now while you’re still just a jeepney ride away. I thought that I can still run after you because it would only be an avenue that separates us, not oceans nor timezones nor continents. And I thought of all of these while thinking about how to say goodbye in robot.
I stayed up late that week crying and sulking. I dont even know why I am crying. Guess I just had to let it all out. The pain of being left once again and the regret of not being able to value the time I had with you. I turned to different people with my feelings. I turned to everyone else but you. During those times I thought you wouldnt understand. During those times you invaded my thoughts and worries. During those times I thought I’d be losing myself. During those times I thought I’d be losing you.
People told me several things. Mostly told me
“Value the time you have left.”
“It’s going to be alright, it’s just miles not endings.”
“Leave now than let yourself endure the pain forever.”
The last one made me think that maybe I should really learn how to say goodbye in robot.
We met that week on a Saturday. That Saturday was definitely one for the books. And that Saturday I tried to ignore the fact that it will be one less of a Saturday without you. I tried my best to forget even for one night, that the person with me we’ll be leaving me in a few months time but that thought just had to cross my mind every time.
All night I tried to keep myself from telling you that I cried. But it made its way through my voice and I kinda blurted it out of the blue. I told you I cried but I never told you why.
It took me a great amount of courage to tell you I cried but it wasnt enough to tell you why. I soon realized it wasnt courage I lacked but the true reason why, I’d want to tell you the reason but I just dont know what. And that’s when I realized I had to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
“When are you leaving?”
We’d talk oh so often and it would zoom me out of the reality that you’re leaving in 5 months time. And when the clock strikes at 12 the deadliest thoughts hit me and makes me realize that I might never see the same “I miss you too” I used to receive from you.
And at 12 am it always hits me that sooner or later I’d have to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
“I’d have to tell you something”
“I’m leaving next year, its delayed.”
I guess its kind of a blessing in disguise. I still have a year to spend with you. I still have kind of an extended second chance to make up for lost time and wasted efforts. I still have you at reach for quite some time. It may be temporary but its worth a try.
The delay came up like a glimpse of hope. It meant that your prolonged stay would give me more chances to make more memories with you and of you. But it also meant the prolonged agony. The agony that would slowly eat me up. The agony that the more I am with you the more painful it will be when you’re gone. The more I get attached the harder it is to detach.
This was one of the reasons I needed to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
“Why are you so moody”
“It’s that time of the month.”
You started to notice the little things I did and have. From casual moodswings to the cold replies. But I noticed the little things that made up you long before you noticed mine.
Some people mistake it for something else but for me it would only be you trying to exert effort while you’re still around. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right, its uncertain. But one thing is certain, its that you are leaving and that sooner or later someone else would notice the little things that made up me and the little things that made up you. And thats another reason why I needed to learn how to say goodbye in robot.
When I look at the view from my building I can, well kind of locate where you are. You seem to be at reach when I look out my window. Everything seems to be just a fingertip away. But then it hit me, it wont just be buildings or streets that will separate us. Soon it would be oceans, continents and timezones. You’d probably be on the other side of the world.
My goodnights are goodmornings for you. Your “Happy Birthdays” would be “belated Happy Birthdays” for me. Your summers wouldnt be as hot as mine and my winters wouldnt be as cold as yours. For you it would be falling leaves, while for me it would be raindrops. For you it would be sunsets while for me sunrises. We can both look at the sky at the same moment and you’ll see the sun while I take a glimpse of the moon. We both knew it would be different and there was no assurance we could take it and thats when I slowly learned how to say goodbye in robot.
I know you’d be reading this. Probably thinking why I wrote this. Maybe just maybe you’ll know its for you. I know you’d ask me why and as much as I would want to answer you I don’t know how.
Bottom-line is that you’re leaving and I cant stop you. You’re leaving and What hurts is I couldn’t do anything about it. You’re leaving just like how everyone else in my life who promised me they’ll stay eventually went running out the door when they couldn’t take it anymore. But even if you’ll tell me you’re different, I know you are. You’re leaving and that’s it.
Once you’re out the door there’s no assurance that this goodbye will be turned into see you laters. Once you’re out the door It wouldnt be me you’d call to have to listen to you while you cry. Once you’re out the door I would only remember your name but never the memories, not your smile, your laugh or even your eyes. Once you’re out the door, your name wouldn’t mean much as it did before. Because once you’re out the door there is no assurance of you coming back and knocking once again.
And once you’re out the door maybe by that time I’d learn how to say goodbye in robot.
“Do you believe that the more you say it the lesser the chances it will come true?”
I will hold on to that until the last day we spend together. I will hold on to that until you leave. I will hold on to that until we’ve said our goodbyes. I will hold on to that until the time that I will learn how to say goodbye in robot.