You were my steroid.
The one that kept me strong all along.
I needed you to keep me in shape.
I needed you to help me get through everyday.
I lived off your goodmorning texts and late replies.
I lived off your dusk till dawn conversations.
I lived off you to make me strong.
And that’s when I realized something had to be wrong.
You were my morphine.
You made me feel less pain than how it really is.
You made me believe I was numb.
It made my heart strong yet my emotions intact.
I felt like a robot most of the time.
I felt like a rock that nothing can seem to break.
I deceived myself into thinking I’m alright.
I deceived myself into feeling nothing.
I was kept still on the outside faking a smile.
But inside, I was screaming all my emotions, the pain, sorrow, happiness and anger rolled into one.
Outside, I was alive.
Inside, I was slowly dying.
You were my Diazepam
You knew me at my best and calmed me at my worst.
You were by my side during the times I’d turn into some monster straight out of a children’s book.
Or the times when I was Cruella and Ursula at the same time.
Because of you, my 2am thoughts were kept at bay.
Because of you, my demons seemed to be scared away.
Because of you, I made myself believe that everything was going okay.
Even when my world was falling apart you kept it together.
Even when the going gets tough you’re not once step out the door either.
You calmed me at most times.
Thats what you thought.
But instead you fed me with lies that said everything’s going to be fine.
But soon I saw the truth that told me I was holding on a thin line.
But despite this, too much of one thing is not good anymore.
You got me overdosed.
You got me thinking everything was going to be alright.
I stayed dependent on you.
I stayed sober, well thats what I thought.
And the harsh truth is withdrawing from you might be harder than usual.
I lived off your sympathy that I mistaken for love all these time.
I lived off things I thought helped me but ended up killing me.
I need to stop taking you in.
I need to stop letting you in.
I need to stop living off you.
I need to stop loving you.
*diazepam is treatment for anxiety attacks