To the Best Friend I fell in love with,
I believed for a moment you loved me too, until I realized that you did but not the way I thought you did. You saw it in my eyes and the way you made me smile. You noticed the way I cared for you, which was way different from how I cared about others. I cared more about you than I did for myself. You knew it was something more when I used to send you long messages of how great you are. You felt it when I’ll go out of my way just to see you. You knew it when I relied on you to be happy. When I always wanted you to sing me to sleep, to reply to me whenever. You knew I was losing myself in you. I knew that too.
I knew that I was getting attached to someone inconsistent. I knew I was getting attached to someone who understood me. I knew I was falling for someone I know I can’t have, I always do. I knew that I was already falling for someone I couldn’t bear to lose. The sole person in the world who knows what to say when I call them up at 2 am, crying for every possible reason I can cry about. You were the only person who knew the best and worst of me but still stayed. The one person who knows when it was the time of the month, and noticed the little things. You were the only one who can invade my thoughts at 2am and the one I can miss at 2pm. You were all these things and more, so much more. And for a moment I could’ve risked it all for something permanent, something serious and fun. Something special, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
A bunch of things reminded me of you; well you made me remind them of you. Before you, an anchor simply meant I was at the beach, now it reminds me of you, your favourite thing. Before you, I was writing about other people’s love stories. Before you I was writing for myself, now every word meant for you. Before you, photo booth pictures were meant for my vanity. Before you, I spent 2 am thinking about someone else; now it’s only you, how your day went, how you made me smile. Before you, I didn’t mind people ignoring my messages. A lot of things didn’t mean a thing before you, before you came. Before you came, my Sam Smith playlist was meant for someone else. Before you came, I didn’t mind when my phone was ringing and who was calling. Now, I would jump whenever your name pops up, hide in my small corner near the window and hear your voice. Before you a lot of things meant less, but now it meant more than it could ever be. That’s when I knew something was wrong. I knew I was falling for a person who gave me comfort and understanding. I knew I was falling for someone I can’t have. I was already committing a mistake I vowed not to do again. Fall in love with my best friend.
But you start questioning yourself, “How can something be so wrong, feel right?” I started to question myself, my feelings and everything else. I started to question your actions and mine. I started to reread messages and try to find hints. I started waiting for the signs. I started to be myself two years ago, losing myself in finding reasons to be with you. Friends would tell me that maybe it can be something else but they try to remind me to keep my feet on the ground and my heart on the right pace. But I couldn’t, my heart would still skip two beats when I see you. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t so I lost myself, once again.
Then things started to fall apart, slowly. I saw everything I feared losing, slip away from my fingers. I tried to hold on to it, believe me I did. But things were happening too fast, I didn’t know which to save first. Save myself and lose you or Save you but lose myself. Everything and everyone was so confusing, I couldn’t think straight. I was back to my old self, two years ago, staring blankly, zooming out to a place where there was nothing. Then I hear my mom calling my name and I’m back to reality. I was reaching out for help. I was seeking small moment of silence and serenity. I was looking for something great in the ruins of confusion. I was looking for something I could save. I was seeking the rubble of hope to rebuild the bridge of friendship. But I guess, I couldn’t find it anymore or I chose not to see it.
I asked you what I was to you; then and there I knew I had to go. For how long, that I didn’t know. To where I would go, to whom I would talk to, I didn’t know. To whom I would cry to and talk to at 2am that I didn’t know. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I lost everything that reminded me of myself because I was too stuck thinking about the things that reminded me of you. I lost myself and I’m sorry. I wanted to find myself, and the reasons to continue fighting. I wanted to know the answer to the question I was afraid to ask. I wanted to mean something to you. I wanted a lot of things I can’t have. I wanted you.
For months I already felt that something was wrong, from our very recent fight, I knew I had to lose you. I knew I had to detach myself for a while because if not I knew I would fall. I did and I’m stupid for having to do so. For the time that I was falling for you, all I can think about was, you were worth the risk, well you were but our friendship wasn’t. It was something too precious to let go of. And I wish I realized that before everything else that happened, happened. We saw the worst of ourselves, said words that like a sword pierced through our hearts, we became someone we didn’t want to be. It hurts to see that, it hurt badly. I didn’t cry usually as I did because the deepest wounds won’t make you feel as much pain. The deeper the wounds the lesser pain you would feel. There would be a momentarily outburst of feelings but it didn’t last long. But I felt the burden of guilt and pain every day; it got heavier every minute that I knew I messed up. I carried it anyway, but it wasn’t enough. Even if how much people didn’t want me to apologize, I did for the sake of me having closure and forgiving myself. I told you I’m sorry and I’ll always be.
Through space, I found myself but I’m still looking for the reasons to continue fighting. We’ve patched things up but this would be hard. I may seem to be far away as I usually am, but I’m here to assure you that I’m trying. Trying to reach for your hand, trying to make you smile again, trying to break down these walls, I’ll be trying. I’ll always be trying to be back to where we were before, even if it seems impossible. I’m trying with one message every day. I’ll be trying with one piece from Lang Leav’s Lullabies. I’ll be trying with every Sam Smith and Maroon 5 song. I’ll be trying, trying not to lose you again. I’ll be here sending you messages even if you don’t reply. I’ll be here looking at the sunset. I’ll be here with everything that reminds me of you.
And if you’re asking why, I realized that when you lose a lover you lose a part of your heart, but when you lose your best friend you lose half of your soul.
1400 words wouldn’t suffice to express how badly we’ve messed up but I wish it would be already enough for us to realize it’s still worth one last shot. We have last shot to make things right. We no longer have a clean slate to begin with, but I believe that the book of our friendship deserves more chapters and a happy ending.
I’ll honestly, completely, truly, happily, want my best friend back.
The Best Friend who fell in love with you.