This is how it felt like when I saw you go

It was a good day, perhaps I get to see you for the last time. It was great, I thought. But when I saw you enter, it wasn’t as amazing as I thought it would be. You were there, the whole time but I never felt that you were. I didn’t know what to do nor what to say. There was still a gap between us, seems like we never really got to build a bridge to get over it nor had said enough words to fill it up. It didn’t feel good, it felt emotionally draining to be exact. People around knew something wasn’t right. I just shrugged it off. You were in front of me but at the same time you weren’t. You were beside me but at the same time you were somewhere far away. You were hidden deep inside my thoughts, where I promised to keep you until we saw each other again. I guess you never really got out. Time passed and I just wanted to spend it with you but I couldn’t. It was too tiring to keep myself moving when all the strength I have left is being sucked off of me. I didn’t know what to do. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew how to make it all up to you. I wish I really knew because if did I would have done it. 
When we were nearing our goodbyes, I pulled out my gift and held it nervously. I wanted to hold you just like before, to remind myself that you’re not leaving but I guess I couldn’t. I gave my gift to you, hoping that you’ll keep it forever until you come home. I hugged you for the last known time I can. And that’s when I knew you had to go. I held back my tears because if I didn’t I would’ve cried non stop. I didn’t want to cry in front of you because I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show you that I was happy for you. I pull off a bittersweet smile. Believe me it didn’t feel so good. Everything happened too fast, I can’t even recall the last words we said. That moment was special and I’ll always remember it. When I held you for the last time, when I saw you go, I know it will haunt me every night. I didn’t want to remember the last words you said because it will always tantamount to goodbye. But we made a promise that there will never be goodbyes only see you laters. 
I didn’t want to say goodbye. I didn’t want to because I believe that you’re not leaving me or anyone. You were going away but not leaving. You’re not leaving because you promised that you’ll always be there for me. You’re not leaving because you didn’t want to. You’re not leaving because you’re not like all the other people in my life who told me they would stay but eventually left. I know you’re not leaving because you’re not. I know you’re not leaving because you’re different. And that’s what I loved about you. You are different. 
After I saw you go, I didn’t have anymore strength left to cry. I gave all I had when I hugged you for the last time. Maybe you only get a certain amount of effort to exert for someone and I’ve used up all that I had for you. And I start to question myself, how do you repay someone who’s given you all that they had? Maybe I’ll never know. You also gave me everything you could possibly give, and I thank you for that. But this will never be about gratitude nor payback. Friendships don’t work like that, best friends aren’t supposed to think like that right? 
We are best friends, and that’s why it will hurt. We are best friends, and that’s why it hurt when I saw you go. When you lose a lover, you lose a part of your heart but when you lose your best friend you lose half of your soul. I didn’t lose you, I will never lose you again. When I saw you go, I lost half of my soul because you took it with you. When you saw me for the last time, you left me with yours. Please take great care with your piece of myself and I promise to take good care of yours. I told you once to leave something here to have a reason to go back. So if you ever want or feel like going home, know that your piece is with me and mine is with you. I want your half to remind you of home, your friends, and memories you’ve made here. And my half will remind me of the songs we sang, memories we shared and tears and laughter we’ve had. My half will always remind me of you coming home. 
If only life worked like the movies, I’ll be the best friend running to the airport to hug you one last time. But I guess life doesn’t work that way. Life has regrets and it barely gives out happy endings. It wouldn’t give me mine because life knows there’s nothing to end. Life knows that we’re only starting. Life knows our friendship isn’t worth ending. 

Miles apart but never memories afar. 


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