Still

I still want to tell you how my day went.

I still want to see you.

I still want you to miss me.

I still want to see your message in my inbox.

I still want to say hi.

I still want to hear your footsteps when go near my door.

I still want to hug you like before.

I still want to be the one by your side.

I still want to be the one you write to.

I still want to be the one you sing to.

I still want to hear you cry.

I still want to see you smile.

I still want to watch the sun go down with you.

I still want to watch you be mesmerized by it.

I still want to spend the remaining days with you.

I still want to create new memories with you.

I still want to be the reason why.

I still want to be the one.

I still want to mean something to you.

I still want to be more than just a thought but a memory.

I still think about you at night.

I still miss you all day every day.

I still think about where it all went wrong.

I still cry.

It still hurts just like the first time I had my heart broken.

It still stings when I hold the scars on my wrist.

It still reminds me of you.

I still love you.

Love that can’t be yours 

A Love that can’t be yours can be love happening at the wrong time but the right place. It can also be love happening at the right time but the wrong place. But you’ll always feel that it was right all along. A love that can’t be yours is something forbidden or impossible but it will seem possible in your eyes. It can be deemed as wrong but it will feel right. It’s something you can’t have but you’ll deceive in yourself into thinking that it is something you can have. A love that can’t be yours, is not yours to begin with and it will never end up on your arms.  

A love that can’t be yours is something within reach but you can’t seem to get. You can’t get a hold of it for some reason. A love that can’t be yours is complicated. A love that can’t be yours is emotionally draining yet fulfilling. But a love that can’t be yours is also dangerous. It will hurt so bad, it leaves scars on your heart that you won’t be able to erase.

A love that can’t be yours will feed off the goodness you have in you. It will bring out the worst in you and make you give the best of you to that person. A love that can’t be yours is easy to find and it will disguise as the love that you’re destined to have. But a love that can’t be yours, isn’t yours for a reason.

A love that can’t be yours is only a challenge, maybe a distraction and a sign. It’s a sign and a reminder that there’s another love out there. The love that you deserve and the love you were destined to have.

This is how it felt like when I saw you go

It was a good day, perhaps I get to see you for the last time. It was great, I thought. But when I saw you enter, it wasn’t as amazing as I thought it would be. You were there, the whole time but I never felt that you were. I didn’t know what to do nor what to say. There was still a gap between us, seems like we never really got to build a bridge to get over it nor had said enough words to fill it up. It didn’t feel good, it felt emotionally draining to be exact. People around knew something wasn’t right. I just shrugged it off. You were in front of me but at the same time you weren’t. You were beside me but at the same time you were somewhere far away. You were hidden deep inside my thoughts, where I promised to keep you until we saw each other again. I guess you never really got out. Time passed and I just wanted to spend it with you but I couldn’t. It was too tiring to keep myself moving when all the strength I have left is being sucked off of me. I didn’t know what to do. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew how to make it all up to you. I wish I really knew because if did I would have done it. 
When we were nearing our goodbyes, I pulled out my gift and held it nervously. I wanted to hold you just like before, to remind myself that you’re not leaving but I guess I couldn’t. I gave my gift to you, hoping that you’ll keep it forever until you come home. I hugged you for the last known time I can. And that’s when I knew you had to go. I held back my tears because if I didn’t I would’ve cried non stop. I didn’t want to cry in front of you because I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show you that I was happy for you. I pull off a bittersweet smile. Believe me it didn’t feel so good. Everything happened too fast, I can’t even recall the last words we said. That moment was special and I’ll always remember it. When I held you for the last time, when I saw you go, I know it will haunt me every night. I didn’t want to remember the last words you said because it will always tantamount to goodbye. But we made a promise that there will never be goodbyes only see you laters. 
I didn’t want to say goodbye. I didn’t want to because I believe that you’re not leaving me or anyone. You were going away but not leaving. You’re not leaving because you promised that you’ll always be there for me. You’re not leaving because you didn’t want to. You’re not leaving because you’re not like all the other people in my life who told me they would stay but eventually left. I know you’re not leaving because you’re not. I know you’re not leaving because you’re different. And that’s what I loved about you. You are different. 
After I saw you go, I didn’t have anymore strength left to cry. I gave all I had when I hugged you for the last time. Maybe you only get a certain amount of effort to exert for someone and I’ve used up all that I had for you. And I start to question myself, how do you repay someone who’s given you all that they had? Maybe I’ll never know. You also gave me everything you could possibly give, and I thank you for that. But this will never be about gratitude nor payback. Friendships don’t work like that, best friends aren’t supposed to think like that right? 
We are best friends, and that’s why it will hurt. We are best friends, and that’s why it hurt when I saw you go. When you lose a lover, you lose a part of your heart but when you lose your best friend you lose half of your soul. I didn’t lose you, I will never lose you again. When I saw you go, I lost half of my soul because you took it with you. When you saw me for the last time, you left me with yours. Please take great care with your piece of myself and I promise to take good care of yours. I told you once to leave something here to have a reason to go back. So if you ever want or feel like going home, know that your piece is with me and mine is with you. I want your half to remind you of home, your friends, and memories you’ve made here. And my half will remind me of the songs we sang, memories we shared and tears and laughter we’ve had. My half will always remind me of you coming home. 
If only life worked like the movies, I’ll be the best friend running to the airport to hug you one last time. But I guess life doesn’t work that way. Life has regrets and it barely gives out happy endings. It wouldn’t give me mine because life knows there’s nothing to end. Life knows that we’re only starting. Life knows our friendship isn’t worth ending. 

Miles apart but never memories afar. 

This One’s For You

To the people who saw me at my worst but still stayed this one’s for you.

You saw me cry my eyes out, curse every single minute. You saw me run away from the life I’ve lived for 14 years and throw it all away. You saw me drag myself into thinking I was better than anyone else. You saw me hurt myself constantly every day. You saw my wrists and battle scars. You saw me and my world fall apart. You saw me at my worst and you still stayed. Thank you. Maybe thank you will never be enough to show my utmost gratitude for you of all people stayed when everyone else in my life chose to walk away and give up on me. You were the few people who still saw the once happy girl in me. You were the few people who knew I could still pick myself up and start over. You were the few people who believed that I can, and I will. Words will never be enough to express how grateful I am to have you in my life. You didn’t walk away just like how the other people did when my world came crashing down. For God’s sake you even helped me rebuild it. I’m sorry that I’m difficult to deal with, I really am. I misunderstood easily. I think that the world revolves around me. I believe that I should always be on top of your priorities. I’m sorry that I thought so that way. I’m a very difficult person, tried, tested and proven. I don’t know what else to say besides, thank you and sorry. The two most powerful yet misused phrases in all languages. Thank you and I’m sorry, the two phrases just like me, that are taken for granted. And now all I have left to express is that, thank you for staying. Thank you, because of you I’ll never be the warrior that I am now.

To the people I’ve helped this one’s for you

 

I’ve heard and received messages saying “thank you” “you’re very helpful”. To the people I’ve helped throughout the 15 years of my existence, I’m the one who should say thank you because you’ve helped me. Without you, I wouldn’t be here, writing. Without you, I wouldn’t be inspired to help out more people. Without you, I wouldn’t be the person that I am now and I will become. The happiness that I feel whenever I see people move on, be happy because of my help can never be replaced nor syndicated. There is this sense of fulfilment whenever I see people have weights lifted from them. It feels great to touch the lives and hearts of others. Helping should be from the heart. And believe me I do help everyone, with the sincerest of intentions. To the people I’ve helped, I may have touched your lives and hearts but believe me when I say you’ve captured mine. To the people I’ve helped, I may not know who you all are but I hope wherever you are, whoever you are, I do pray that you’re all happy. I do hope that you’ll also help others as how I’ve helped you. Let this be a domino effect, one act of kindness and I hope you pass it on.

To the people that have caused me pain this one’s for you

 

There are different kinds of pain in this world, each one designed to hurt you and to teach you a lesson. For the people that have caused me pain, I may not have forgiven each one but know that one day I will. Slowly I’ll learn to curb the pain and turn it into hope. I hope one day I’ll see all of you again, by that time you’ll be forgiven. It varies; maybe you were the person who pushed me in the middle of the street, the person in the crowd who shoved me, the one who broke my heart, and the one who got my hopes up or the one who I trusted that turned out to be the one who will betray me. You’ve caused me different degrees of pain, which came with different lessons. With each lesson, I carried as I live through the years. Maybe I’ll get over you sooner or later, maybe I’ll forget you, and the pain you’ve caused. I’ll forget how it feels to be left, I’ll forget how much tears I’ve shed. I’ll forget, eventually. But I’ll never forget to forgive you. There will be times that I’ll question, “Who am I to go through this kind of pain?” But I slowly realize that I wouldn’t be given this kind of pain, if I couldn’t go through it. I wouldn’t be given this kind of pain if God knew I wouldn’t learn anything from it. Life without pain isn’t life after all. Pain makes you feel. Pain taught you to forgive. Pain taught you to be strong. Pain taught you. Pain taught me too.

To the people I love this one’s for you

 

The people I love don’t end with the people I currently care about or are currently in my life, because even if I “loved” you, I don’t just stop loving you. I will love you, I will continue loving you, I just forget about it. I forget how it feels to love you, but I never forget that I love you. To the people I love, everyone has a special place in my heart. My heart can be divided into hundreds of pieces and as one hurts me, one piece is taken away but never thrown away. That piece is only kept until it deserves to be stocked back in my heart. Everyone I love is treated with care. Everyone I love is assured that I’ll always be there for you, even if you feel that I am not; I always here, loving you maybe from a distance. Please don’t feel that I don’t love you, I do. I take care of the people that I love because I know how it feels not to be loved back. I know how painful it is not to have the love you give, given back to you. I wouldn’t want to fail in loving people because that’s one of the most important things people deserve. People deserve love even if they can’t give it themselves. People can’t give what they don’t have, so those people who can’t seem to give out love, may have ran out of it. Give love, the love people deserve. People deserve different kinds of love. But please know that the most deserving of your love is yourself. Learn to love yourself. To the people I love, share the love I have given to you. Love just like most things, were made to be shared. What I love the most is seeing people being loved. Love is a powerful and magical thing. Love shouldn’t be thrown away because it was already hard to find it in the first place. To the people I love, I’ll always love you no matter what happens, wherever I may go. To the people I love, my heart beats for every single one of you.

 

Ano ba ako sayo?

Ano ba ako sayo?

Isang tanong na may libo-libong maaring sagot. Kaso isang sagot lang naman talaga hinihiling mo. Isang sagot lang talaga ang gusto mong marinig. Isang sagot lang din ang tama o nararapat.

Siguro hindi yun ang sagot na gusto mong marinig. Maaring hindi iyon ang sagot na pinagdadasal mo sa gabi.

“Ako na lang sana, ako na lang sana”

“Ako na lang ulit, sana ako na lang ulit.”

“Tayo na lang sana.”

“Tayo na lang ulit.”

Ano ba ako sayo?

Kahit ilang beses mo subukan hulaan ang sagot sa tanong na yan. Isa lang naman ang makakasagot. Siya lang naman. Siya lang wala nang iba. Masakit man manggaling sa bibig niya kung ang sagot na makuha ay hindi mo gusto pero ang saya rin siguro marinig na galing sa kanya yung mga salitang gusto mong makuha.

Ano ba ako sayo?

Kaibigan? Kapatid? Kalokohan? Ka-ibigan? Laruan? Pampalipas oras? Kasalanan? Ano ba ako sayo? Sana kapag nabasa mo ito mapaisip ka na mas higit pa diyan kung ano ako sayo. Dahil higit pa kung alin diyan ang turing ko sayo.

Ano ba ako sayo?

Paano kung siya yung nagtanong sayo? Isasagot mo ba yung tama o yung totoo? Sasagot ka ba ng “Oo, mahal kita” o ipagpapalipas at sasabihin “Hindi, wala.:” Paano kung siya rin pala umaasa sa sagot mo? Naguguluhan rin pala siya tulad mo. Humihingi rin ng sagot sa isang tanong na pinagipunan pa niya ng lakas para masabi sayo. Isasagot mo ba yung tama o yung totoo?

Ano ba ako sayo?

Sana kapag nabasa mo maisip mo kung ano talaga ako sayo. Sana maisip mo lahat nang nangyari, nagawa at nasabi. Sana maisip mo ako, ikaw, tayo kahit wala naman. Sana maisip mo lahat ng nangyari. Sana maisip mo. Sana maisip kung ano talaga ako sayo. Sana kapag nabasa mo ito, masagot mo na yung tanong ko.

 

Ano ba talaga ako sayo?